We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
