How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
