I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
