4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
