Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
