you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
