Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
