why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
