p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
