If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
