You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
