what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
