btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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