It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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