I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
