Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
