She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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