I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize