he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
