I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
