My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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