i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
