I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
