don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize