I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
