I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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