I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
