I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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