i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
