Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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