So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
