mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
