: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
