John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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