Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
