today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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