ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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