he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
