When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
