I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize