Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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