how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
