My sheets look like a crime scene.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
