so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize