I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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