I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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