i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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