I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
