Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
