I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
