If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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