i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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