i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
