and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
