mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
