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Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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