you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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