Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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