The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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