You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
