The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
