I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
