I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
