he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize