You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
