Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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