Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
