What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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