So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
